Monday, March 10, 2008

It's a Volcano

The wave has crested...
It's like every pore of yr soul has opened up and all the sadness in the world is poring into you, pouring through you on its way to where it was supposed to go. You feel hollow, empty and yet so full yr about to burst. Actually, sadness is the wrong word. It's an undifferentiated emotional state. It's so overwhelming it could be sadness, fear, happiness, maybe even anger. It's so much you can't tell anymore what you feel other than wholly emotional. It's so powerful you can't speak or look or talk or move or do anything. Hope to be alone or the tears will flow like ungrided molten oceans.
Banker's caught me a few times, but mostly I can shut everyone out when it's on me. Just lock the doors and curl up...if I feel it coming on quick enough. That's what depression is. Not the kind that comes from some awful experience or event, but the neurological kind. The kind that has no reason other than itself. Once you know what it is, it gets a little easier. After you've been through it enough times, you know instinctively just to ride the wave. Don't fight or encourage it in any way. Just let it happen for as long as it needs to. You learn that it will go away eventually, but be wary of it because you can come to love it. You will never at any other time in yr life feel so powerfully any other emotion. It verges on religious ecstasy so closely that you can yearn for it and will. Just know that the knife is double-edged and sharp as a razor.

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