Today...

I get the feeling sometimes that I'm an also ran. Like one of those people in one of the spin off network TV shows like One Tree Hill, except not as pretty. I feel like the script of my life is B grade material at best, and it makes me want to cry sometimes. It is really liberating to just let it all the fuck out like it's not embarassing that I'm completely afraid of leaving my apartment or that I get so depressed sometimes I don't move or eat or do anything for days on end.
Banker is understanding about it, but he worries about me a lot, which is sweet. It helps that someone gives a shit. The BDA does too. He even tried to get me to go out a couple of months ago. I had a complete panic attack before we even got to the first floor. I was in the stairway hyperventilating in a total spazzout, and he had to fireman carry me back to the apartment. That was the last time I tried to go out.
Maybe that's what I feel like I'm missing. All that's outside, but it just scares the shit out of me. All those strange people. I don't really know what it is, but I just can't even imagine going out there. Mostly I don't have any reason too. Everything I need I can get brought to me, so why go to them. Drugs, food, even people have to come to me. It's empowering in a wierd way. I know I shouldn't embrace this off the wall living, but I like it. It's who I am.